family

A Summer Road Trip Journal, Part 1

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Day 1 of our summer road trip up north, 7/9/25, Rockville, MD to New Paltz, NY

We left our home in The Village At Rockville around 10:30a after our last-minute packing and loading the car. I’d made us melted Brie and ham sandwiches for the road. We stopped to gas up our 2014 Accord close to home on Darnestown Rd. before taking I-270 north to Frederick, continuing on to Rt. 15 through the rest of MD and on to the outskirts of Harrisburg, PA. I drove the first stretch feeling mostly relaxed and happy to be on our way. Andrea then got us to Hazelton, PA via I-81 and I-81, stopping for lunch at a McDonald’s there. A Mona Lisa reproduction there gave us a good laugh!2

I took the third leg up through Wilkes Barre and Scranton to I-84 and on to Port Jervis, NY. And Andrea got us from there to New Paltz, NY, taking backroads — Rt. 209 through Ellenville and then 55 and 299, along and then across the Shawangunk Mountains with some beautiful vistas.


It was about 300 miles in total — plenty far enough for one day for these two septuagenarians. After resting some at our well-appointed room in the New Paltz Hampton Inn, we drove down Main Street to a nice little Vietnamese restaurant bustling with mostly young people. There we ate vermicelli, veggies, tofu and chicken. We each had a cold beer, which went down nicely with the delicious food. Afterwards, we went for a pleasant stroll on Main Street, appreciating the small, college-town flavor of the place.

The only downer was realizing that I’d forgotten to bring my swimming bag. I’d been looking forward to fresh water swims in both Lake Champlain and Lake Vanare. I didn’t allow myself to get too crestfallen, though. The positive church experience I had the previous Sunday had stayed with me since then, bringing a kind of grounded calm and sense of perspective. I texted my trusted brothers-in-law, Gene Goundrey and Bob Stein, to see if either had an extra swimsuit to bring to our family vacation site at Lake Vanare, NY. (They both did!)

Day 2, July 10, New Paltz, NY to Shelburnen, VT

We arrived in Shelburne around 2:30p after a comfortable 200 mile drive north from New Paltz. We had a good breakfast at our Hampton Inn there, which sustained us into the afternoon. Andrea drove us up I-87 to just south of Saratoga, NY where we stopped for coffee and gas. She was able to reach our old friend Mary Janet in Ireland via a WhatsApp phone connection while we were driving. It was good for both of us to connect with her and hear of her ongoing adventures living on the Emerald Isle.

I drove from Saratoga north on I-87 to exit 20 through Queensbury and on to Rt. 149 to Ft. Anne, NY. We drove behind a big truck for most of that way and were glad we were in no hurry. From there we headed north on Rt. 4 to Whitehall, NY and then east to Fairhaven VT where we stopped at the Vermont Welcome Center for restrooms and lunch. It was in the mid 80’s by noon but we found a shaded spot out front to eat our Vietnamese leftovers from last night.

Andrea drove us the last leg north on Rt. 22A through western VT. The pastoral rural scenery was a delight and we stopped briefly to take it in.


Paul Morrow, our host, was mowing the lawn when we arrived on Pine Haven Shore Lane, right on Shelburne Bay, around 2:30p He helped carry our luggage into his modest family home, where we greeted his wife Emily, Andrea’s longtime friend and former roommate at Oberline College in the 1970’s. We got settled into our comfortable bedroom before joining Paul and Emily for conversation outside on their lawn, overlooking the bay. It was good reconnecting with them. We shared our feelings about the current political reality and lamented Kamala Harris’ defeat after the four of us had watched the upbeat Democratic Convention together here last August.

Andrea and I had a nice nap before supper and reengaging in conversation with Emily and Paul. We’re both looking forward to spending time with them over the next few days before leaving for Lake George on Sunday morning.

Days 3, July11 — Adventures in Shelburne and Burlington

Our first full day in Shelburne started with Andrea and I exploring nearby Shelburne Bay Park, a peninsula in Lake Champlain with large tracts of accessible shoreline. We enjoyed the cooler morning temperatures under the shady forest that abuts the shore there, following a well-marked hiking trail.

Andrea and I made a music video using a recorded hymn while panning an iPhone camera to capture the dramatic sunlight coming through the high limbs of the surrounding trees. The slow, melodic choral singing was a perfect accompaniment to the reverential images of the shady forest. Making the music video together was fun, and we sent it out to our church community. It inspired us to make a second one of moored sailboats offshore to music from a Boccherini cello concerto.

Another more challenging adventure involved going out rowing with Paul in his elegant skiff that afternoon. Paul’s love for rowing almost daily in Shelburne Bay resonated with my own love for daily bike rides. Paul had lent me a swimsuit and patiently demonstrated how to launch the boat from the rocky shore in front of their lakeside home. I hadn’t realizd that his boat had oars for two rowers. It was a learning curve for me to learn how to sit and row in tandem with Paul’s oarstrokes in front of me.

The boat’s relative narrowness required holding the oars one hand above the other. This added complication made it challenging for me to stay in synch with Paul at first. But I quickly got the hang of it. It was satisfying to be part of a two person crew, propelling our craft through calm waters out to the center of the mile-wide bay.

Paul said that his boat was a “St. Lawrence Rowing Skiff”, developed for use in the Thousand Islands. He usually goes out solo but seemed happy enough to have some company. We rowed for less than an hour, but I got exhausted before then and Paul rowed solo to get us back to shore. We had some good conversation as he shared some of his experiences as a forensic pathologist in Vermont, and more recently in Australia and New Zealand.

A third adventure was dining with our hosts at a fabulous Chinese fusion restaurant that evening in nearby Burlington. It was an upscale place that Paul and Emily knew well. I don’t have the gastronomic vocabulary to describe the new tastes and textures I experienced, but they were universally delightful, and included scallion pancakes, mushroom eel, Buddha’s Beef (seitan), and a refreshing iced tea with hybiscus syrup. Andrea and I were happy to pick up the tab for this memorable feast.

Day 4, July 12: a Generous Invitation, and a Visit with Another Old Friend

The highlight of our last full day with Paul and Emily in Shelburne was a conversation our hosts initiated. This was our third summertime visit at their lovely Shelburne Bay summer home. The Morrows were decades-long expatriates, having made a substantial professional and personal life for themselves first in Australia but currently in New Zealand. Their Shelburne home was where Paul was born and raised by his Quaker parents, both medical doctors. Paul had become s chief medical officer in both Australia and New Zealand before retiring last year. Emily had a thriving law practice in New Zealand, though both of them were now initiating new part-time careers in counseling (Emily) and chaplaincy (Paul). They returned to Vermont for a few weeks every summer. Andrea and I both admired Emily and Paul for their strong life force and very active “retirement”.

Andrea and Emily had remained close friends since college. They spoke by phone regularly during all the Morrows’ decades in Australia and New Zealand.

Emily and Paul sat us down that morning after breakfast to make us a very generous offer. They were inviting Andrea and me to visit them in Auckland, NZ within the coming year. They had issued a similar invitation the summer before, but this time it was much more specific and elaborate. Emily and Paul had an alternative residence that they owned in Auckland where we could stay, and they would act as active hosts throughout our time there. Emily even offered to help financially if we needed it. Andrea and I were deeply touched, and excited, and we have now made specific plans to visit Emily and Paul in New Zealand next February!

Friends at Shelburne Bay: Emily Morrow, Andrea DiLorenzo, Paul Morrow

That Saturday was mostly a quiet day. The only excursion that Andrea and I made was a short drive to visit an old friend, Betty McDevitt, who had moved to a retirement community in Shelburne so as to be close to her son and his family there.

We had visited Betty at the Wake Robin community last summer as well. Betty is now in her 90’s and has self-admittedly lost some of her intellectual acuity, yet gladly affirms that she has never been happier. She greeted us warmly and took us to lunch with her in the community dining room. During lunch, she shared about her recent birthday party, and reveled in the love of her son’s family, especially her grandchildren. She took us back to her apartment, still festooned with flowers and other birthday decorations. Andrea in particular felt gratified to stay connected with her old friend from her hometown, New Castle, PA, and a sister alumna of Oberlin as well.

TO BE CONTINUED…

John Bayerl, 7/26/2025

Remembering My Brother Tom

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March 13,1956 — September 24, 2024

My younger brother Tom died two weeks ago at his home outside of Buffalo in Elma, NY. Tom had been seriously ill with Lewy Body Dementia (LBD) and had been in home hospice care for almost a year. His wife Karen was a devoted and loving caregiver for Tom since the onset of his symptoms over five years ago. Their three adult children, Michael, Greg, and Kristen lived close enough to help out, but the brunt of Tom’s 24-7 care rested on Karen and his devoted healthcare aides.

Origins

Tom was the 6th of 10 children born to our parents, Irene and Joseph Bayerl, both lifelong residents of Buffalo, NY. There were 5 girls and 5 boys in our Baby Boomer brood, whose birth-years extend from 1947 to 1964.

I was the second oldest (born 1949) and remember some of the circumstances of Tom’s birth. Our family of five kids had moved into our own house the year before after spending the preceding years in a small flat above our mother’s parents’ home just two blocks away. I was almost 7 years old when Mom was pregnant with Tom, and I well remember Mom being rushed to the hospital to have her appendix removed while she was well into that pregnancy. I remember whispered fears from the adults that our mother might lose the baby. But mother and child survived, and Tom proved to be a healthy, happy baby. Children weren’t allowed to visit in hospitals back then, but I recall our Dad packing us all into the family car one evening and parking outside our Mom’s hospital room so she could come to the window and wave to us with little Tom in her arms.

Tom followed the same initial educational track as his older sibs: a year of kindergarten at nearby P.S. 43 followed by eight years at Visitation Parochial school, just two blocks from home. We were taught by an order of nuns called “The Little Servant Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.” The nuns brooked little tolerance for misbehavior, and most of us recall at least one episode of being slapped on open palms by a ruler-wielding nun. Like the rest of us, Tom was a smart, mostly well-behaved student, graduating from “Vis” in 1969 and then attending two different boys’ Catholic high schools.

Tom is on far right, with our sister Marian in middle, me on left

High School Basketball Star

I had left home in 1967 to attend Fordham University, a Jesuit run institution in the Bronx. But I kept up on Tom’s, and his next older brother Larry’s, high school athletic prowess during those years. Tom became a star basketball player on a championship team at St. Francis High School while Larry starred in football at Bishop Ryan High. My older brother Martie had gotten the ball rolling in the athletic direction by starring in football at Bishop Turner High School, where we had both attended. I liked to play sports too, but my own athletic abilities were limited, and I ultimately chose to focus on academics. I was always proud of my brothers’ athletic accomplishments.

I can’t say that I had much influence on Tom as he came into his own as a student-athlete in his high school years. I do remember, however, some pretty competitive games of one-on-one basketball we used to play in our backyard during my summers home from college. By his early teens, I could clearly see that Tom was going places with his smooth, artful basketball shooting and his aggressive defense.

Entering Adulthood

After graduating from Fordham in 1971, my own early adult life had some significant challenges of my own making. I floundered in my work life as well as my attempted relationships. Tom meanwhile was doing well at Buffalo State University, graduating in1976 and going on to marry his high school sweetheart, Karen Hojnacki, two years later. Tom and Karen were eminently compatible. They even shared the same birthday. They soon bought a house and started a family while I was still driving cab and taking sporadic graduate classes in American Studies at SUNY Buffalo.

I had little contact with Tom or the rest of my family for about a decade while I attempted to find a meaningful direction for myself in Savannah, Atlanta, and then Washington DC. The next real connection I remember occurred in 1986 when Tom and Karen hosted a big, outdoor 40th anniversary party for our parents in Buffalo.  I had just gotten divorced and was ready to make a fresh start with my family of origin. I still remember Tom’s generous, playful spirit at that party, setting up horseshoes and other games for the kids, and interacting seamlessly with everyone. I truly admired Tom’s many virtues as a family man and realized I had things to learn from him.

My next significant connections with Tom occurred almost twenty years later.  During that time, I had married my current spouse, Andrea DiLorenzo, and had entered into a period of personal and professional fulfillment. Andrea and I adopted two children in 1998, and I finally had the opportunity to become the kind of “family man” I admired in Tom.

Tom and I had always enjoyed an easy back and forth at the occasional family affairs I was able to attend back in Buffalo. When my sister Kathy lost her 19-year-old son Byron to muscular dystrophy in 2007, both Tom and I felt distraught and were able to share our grief together. That led to a regular phone relationship with Tom in which we were both able to share some of the challenges we were facing in our lives. I had studied to become a counselor and had learned how to listen attentively and compassionately, without judgment, and without the need to give direct advice. During those years of phone conversations, we were both able to open up about our ongoing struggles with depression.

The Bayerl Brothers at a wedding in 2016: from left in order by age — Martie, me, Larry, Tom, Bob

Illness and Decline

Tom started manifesting disturbing physical and mental symptoms around the time of his retirement over five years ago. A lifelong athlete and still avid golfer, he was then finding himself regularly fatigued, debilitated, and mentally foggy. Karen quickly picked up on this and helped Tom on a long medical search for what was wrong.  Clearly, this was beyond the garden-variety depression that we had both experienced. Tom began experiencing acute anxiety on a regular basis.

Tom and Karen had been loving, hands-on grandparents but his inability to sustain his energy and motivation now made this difficult. I remember a family vacation to Rocky Mountain National Park in 2019 in which Tom was not able to keep up. I remember his confessing to me how bad he felt about this, and about his guilt for occasional angry outbursts towards family members. Finally, some in-depth neurological testing came up with the Lewy Body Dementia diagnosis.

Very little was known about LBD until the suicide death of the actor Robin Williams in 2014 at age 63. Williams had been diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease (PD), but his wife Susan Schneider knew that the PD diagnosis didn’t explain the aberrant mental and emotional disturbances she was noticing.  None of his doctors or therapists seemed to know exactly what the problem was. The diagnosis only came from an autopsy which revealed Lewy bodies infiltrating Williams’ entire brain stem. Lewy bodies are abnormal clumps of protein that gather in brain cells, and which are now thought to be responsible for 10-15% of dementia cases.

Ms. Schneider pursued the reason for her husband’s suicide partly because she wanted to protect him from the innuendos about Williams’ past drug addiction. Her persistent efforts to find out about LBD led to the creation of the 2018 HBO documentary film about Williams’ death called “Come Inside My Mind”. By telling the story of Robin Williams’ illness in detail, Schneider succeeded in creating a film that is now being recommended to all the families of patients suffering from LBD.

Last Years

I began making trips home to Buffalo to visit Tom shortly after the LBD diagnosis was given, and after watching the film “Come Inside My Mind”. The first of these visits was in March 2023 when Tom was still able to sit down to a marvelous breakfast Karen had prepared for a tableful of visiting family members. At that time Tom still had moments of clarity and recognition. But most of the time he was just staring out into space, his body semi-paralyzed. I visited again that December to find Tom spending the greater part of each day either in bed or laying back in a recliner. Karen had requested hospice care to help her to attend to Tom’s many physical needs. On that visit, I remember a few moments of eye contact with Tom and a feint smile.

In June of this year, Andrea and I drove to Buffalo to spend a day with Tom and Karen. Karen was firm in her wanting to keep Tom at home, even though she was getting worn down by the 24-7 nature of Tom’s required care. We were mightily impressed with the care and commitment being provided by Karen and also by two aides who Karen had employed to help her: Linda came in each morning to bathe and feed Tom, and Jim every morning and evening to get Tom in and out of bed. In addition, hospice was providing a weekly nursing visit and regular visits by a healthcare aide and a massage therapist. Karen was also very grateful for the significant assistance she was getting from all three of her adult children: Michael, Greg and Kristen.

Tom died peacefully in his sleep on September 25 after having stopped eating and drinking twelve days earlier.

Andrea and I have just returned from the funeral in Elma. There was a very beautiful Funeral Mass at their neighborhood Catholic Church followed by a brunch at a local restaurant. There was also a wake the night before, providing great opportunities to connect with family and friends and share stories about Tom’s life. The highlight was Tom and Karen’s eldest son, Michael, a public high school teacher, delivering a heartfelt eulogy for his father at the Funeral Mass. In it, Mike praised his Dad’s big heartedness, which manifested most strongly in his lifelong enthusiasm for sports and his love in sharing that enthusiasm with his wife, kids, grandkids and everyone else who knew him. It was the same quality I had admired in Tom at that anniversary party he and Karen had hosted for our parents so many years ago.

We love you, Brother Tom!

Rest in peace!

John Bayerl, 10/4/2024